Choice

We make choices all the time: what food to eat, which movie to watch, who to associate with, whether to have children, where to apply for a job, and when to go to bed.

Or do we?

What makes us choose something? Our want of it. We eat whichever food we have the strongest craving for, watch whichever movie most strikes our fancy, associate with the people we find most desirable, have (or don’t have) children because we want (or don’t want) to procreate, apply for the most attractive jobs, and go to bed when we’re tired. There are other factors, such as availability and convenience, that influence our decisions, but it all boils down to choosing whatever seems optimal.

Our earthly lives are made up of many things that we have no power over, such as our age, gender, place of birth, parents, skin color, and preference for certain types of food, music, movies, sports, friends, intimate partners, and pets. We choose according to these preferences, but we cannot choose what these preferences are. So how much of what we do is freely chosen? How responsible are we for our actions? Even our thoughts are largely beyond our control, as they are shaped by these preferences, as well as our genetics and life events.

Given that we can’t change our preferences, it seems that choices are largely made for us. For example, if we have a craving for ice cream, the two flavors available are chocolate and vanilla, and we strongly prefer chocolate, is our choice of chocolate freely made? Or were we “pushed” into it by our needs and preferences? We could go against the grain and choose vanilla just to prove a point, and this might seem like a completely free choice, but perhaps we were pushed into that choice by our desire to prove a point. It’s like when we give up a bad habit such as selfing, smoking, drinking, or gambling: it might seem like a free choice, but perhaps we were pushed into that choice by our desire to stop the suffering that these habits cause. How free is that choice?

The only way a choice can be completely free is if there is no consequence for choosing one thing over another. For example, if we are taking a walk in the woods, we come to an intersection with several paths, and we have no idea where any of those paths lead, then our choice of which path to take is freely made. Of course, with no knowledge to steer us, any choice we make is meaningless and arbitrary. This can be disconcerting because if we see no value in one thing over another, then we have no power to control the quality of our lives.

When we choose something, we might be haunted by the thought that perhaps something else would have been better. The walk in the woods might be fun, but perhaps we would have had a better time riding a bicycle, or having dinner with friends, or exercising. Would we? How can we know? It seems that we should just make choices based on whatever knowledge we presently have, and feel good about those choices because we did the best that we could.

Distraction

Y’ever notice how sometimes you or someone else can’t sit still or stop talking, or has to have the television on as background noise?

The false self, because it is false, cannot stand on its own, so it needs constant upkeep. It has to be doing/talking/thinking 100% of the time (or until the body/mind is exhausted). As soon as this activity stops, the inactivity is felt as boredom, as though a drug has been taken away. This is because the false self is a mind process, and a process exists only as long as it keeps “processing”, so the cessation of activity is the equivalent of ego death.

The true self is not a process. It is a noun, not a verb. It does not need to “process” in order to be. It simply is, regardless of what it does. It enjoys being. It is a bundle of blissful energy.

The false self needs to experience external things in order to feel good, and indeed, to exist. Its default state is lack and unhappiness, so any form of enjoyment must come from somewhere else. This is why it desperately needs to involve itself with the world: it must accomplish, obtain possessions, and have particular types of experiences.

The true self can choose to involve itself with the world, but it does not need to because it exists without them. It enjoys doing things but does not need to impress anyone, enjoys possessions but feels fine if it does not get them, and enjoys certain experiences but also enjoys just sitting quietly.

This is not to say that living via the false self can never be enjoyable. Distractions can be fun. But underneath there will be a constant state of agitation, of concern that the next distraction won’t be obtained or enjoyed, and if it isn’t, anger or frustration. The true self remains at peace regardless of external situations. 

When we stop selfing, the need for distraction ceases, and we then become aware of the bliss that naturally accompanies being. We do not need to meditate on a mountaintop or give up all our possessions in order to achieve bliss. In fact, bliss cannot be “achieved”, for that would imply that we must do something in order to get it. The way to experience bliss is to not do something, and that something is selfing. When we drop that ignorant and destructive activity, we get out of our own way.
 

"Disaster"

Sometimes a calamitous event can be the best thing that ever happened to us.

When we live via the false self, life is a constant struggle to manipulate things and people in order to achieve our little goals. We have frequent pains such as stress, worry, anger, and regret, but the pain is not great enough to make us stop selfing because the “rewards” we get outweigh the pain. At least that’s what we believe.

Then something huge happens. A long-term relationship ends. We get cancer. Our house burns down. A loved one dies. We lose our job. Now we sit in a situation that we have always feared and maybe tried to prevent. There is no getting out of it. It has happened. We are helpless.

Now we see that the false self isn’t the provider and protector we thought it was. It has failed. Miserably.

This is a great opportunity to assess our outlook. Is jumping through all our daily hoops really the best way to live? Are we getting a good return on our investment? Has it prevented this calamity? Maybe our life will be just as good or better if we stop this silly game of trading our freedom and dignity for small desires. Maybe those little things we thought we wanted or needed aren’t important after all.

We won’t necessarily see things this way. We might cling to our old ways and be frustrated because this event “shouldn’t have happened”. If so then we will have learned nothing.

But we might see this event as a revelation. It might show us the folly of the false self. We might see that difficult situations are not obstacles on our path, but that they are the path – the path to self-discovery and growth – because losing something we used to cling to can release us from the burden of maintaining and worrying about losing it. If so then this “disaster” will have helped us wake up. Had it not happened, we would have continued believing that the best way to live is via selfishness and fear. We can now step out of the dream, drop the burden of ego, and live as the free spirits we are.

Online resources

Here are a few resources that can help you strip away what’s false.

Books:
Being Zen: Bringing Meditation to Life by Ezra Bayda
The Best Thing That Never Happened by Joey Lott
The Book of Not Knowing by Peter Ralston
The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts
The Deepest Acceptance by Jeff Foster
The Ease of Being by Jean Klein 
The Ecology of Consciousness by Jon Bernie
Gifts With No Giver by Nirmala 
I Am by Jean Klein
I Am That by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj 
Liberation from the Lie  by Eric Gross
Living from the Heart by Nirmala
Living Realization: A Simple, Plain-English Guide to Non-Duality by Scott Kiloby
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
Nothing Personal by Nirmala
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle 
Radiance by Gina Lake
Radiant Mind: Awakening Unconditioned Awareness by Peter Fenner
Soul Without Shame: A Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge Within by Byron Brown
Take Me to Truth: Undoing the Ego by Nouk Sanchez and Tomas Vieira
That is That by Nirmala

Writings:
Adyashanti 
Awake!
Scott Kiloby

Audio:
Paul Hedderman
Adyashanti 

Video:
Alan Watts
Eckhart Tolle
Paul Hedderman
Adyashanti
Conscious.TV

The Sense of Self

Our sense of self should not be confused with the false self (although the former can become the latter, as we’ll see later). Each of us is a separate entity with our own feelings, thoughts, needs, and bodies. We need to take care of our bodies. Unique thoughts come to us. We feel pleasure and pain; no one else feels them, nor do we feel theirs. Our awareness of all this is our sense of self.

It is only when we adopt an identity based on externals or try to make ourselves appear better than others that the false self arises. As long as we remain who we are (i.e., our true selves), a sense of self is not a bad thing.

The fact that we’re separate entities doesn’t mean that we need to fight against one another. Separate does not mean adversarial. There is no need to feel alienated from others or from life. We can share and we can love. What gets in the way is that we live in a world where certain resources are limited, so we end up keeping our money, land, possessions, food, etc for ourselves and loved ones, because if we were to share them with everyone else, they might not return the favor and we would then have less. But we all could, in theory, share everything, as long as everyone agreed to give back what they got, for then no one would “lose”.

Let’s trace the sense of self throughout a human life. As an infant there is no sense of self. The world is a bewildering mix of sights, sounds, sensations, tastes and smells. There is a constant sense of wonder and interest.

As toddlers life is a playground. We have little concept of yesterday and tomorrow, so we don’t worry about or regret things. However, we start to want things, and we are prone to unhappiness when we don’t get them.

Throughout childhood we develop concepts such as time, work, and how we compare to others. We learn how to manipulate the world (either constructively or destructively) in order to get things we want.

As teens we are very concerned with our place among our peers: how we look, how we perform, and how “cool” we are. We might put up a façade in order to increase our social status.

As adults we continue to want possessions and social status. We might develop strong beliefs in order to feel righteous. We might want to procreate, either to perpetuate ourselves or to feel “complete”. We might seek safety and power via locked doors, weapons, or politics.

This sense of self that we have built over the course of decades becomes very strong and can help us become “successful”, with wealth, a family, friends, and accomplishments. But it can also become burdensome. The more we have, the more we must maintain, and the more we have to lose. We can have painful reactions to losses, or simply worry that we will suffer losses, because we have incorporated what we have into our sense of self, i.e., we have created a false self.

This is how our sense of self can morph into a false self. It goes unnoticed because it’s a slow process. We believe that we’re just doing what we need to do in order to get what we want in life, and before we know it we’re believing that our possessions/relationships/beliefs are actually part of us, or presenting a false image and believing we are that.

It is possible to recover our true sense of self. All we need to do is realize that we are not the act we put on, nor are we our job title, our money, or any of our other externals. This is not to say that we must “open up” to everyone. If there are certain financial or social benefits to withholding what we’re thinking, then we might continue to do that. We need only stop lying to ourselves.

Even better than finding ourselves is losing ourselves! If, while experiencing something, we think, “I am experiencing this,” pure experience will not be possible. Only by letting go – not thinking of ourselves – can we receive pure experience.  This is what the concept of “no self” is all about.

The Pursuit of Happiness

In the normal ego-driven, corrupt state, life is an exercise in trying to make things turn out a certain way. We are always looking for great experiences, wanting more than we get, and feeling only as good as externals can make us feel. We are needy and frightened, so our sense of happiness is dependent upon particular external circumstances. This guarantees random and unexpected unhappiness because there are so many factors that compose our worldly situation (money, possessions, health, love, career, security, relationships, freedom, accomplishment) that it is inevitable that at least one of them will occasionally go awry.

The “happiness” we feel when we acquire an object we desire (a possession, a relationship, money, an experience) is not caused by the object itself. If it were, then we would live happily ever after with it. But we don’t, do we? Our “happiness” is merely temporary. After a while, desire returns, causing us to once again feel a sense of lack, so we pursue something else. True happiness is inherent, but we mask it with desire and a sense of lack. We feel happy when we acquire something because desire and lack cease and we (temporarily) realize of our true self, which is naturally peaceful and happy. That is, happiness comes from our very being, not from any external object. This is why people who constantly pursue happiness are perpetually unhappy.

The only way to have lasting peace and happiness is to get over the ego. Then we will feel good from within, which will enable us to enjoy our experiences, no matter how mundane they might be. We will not be at the mercy of external circumstances. We will not need to have “all our ducks in a row”.

The Constitution promises us life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The pursuit of happiness often prevents happiness. When we simply work, love, play, and relax, we get a sense of well-being (happiness) as an unintentional by-product because we are immersed in the moment. But when we think, “I want to be happier,” and do things specifically to become happy, rather than simply experience things with no expectations, we no longer enjoy the moment because we’re always looking toward the future, so our sense of well-being diminishes.

A pursuit of anything is an admission of the lack of it. When we live with the mindset that we must go out and get happiness, as though it’s a commodity, we thus tell ourselves constantly that we aren’t happy. This artificially creates the feeling of unhappiness. We might have all the basics for a good life, but we refuse to be content with them. We have this idea that we are not happy enough, that we must always be pursuing more happiness. This keeps us from enjoying what we already have.

This is not to say that we should just accept everything as it is. We do what needs to be done in order to obtain whatever increases the quality of our lives. But overdoing this can make us too tired and irritable to enjoy anything, leave us no time to enjoy the fruits of our labor, or get us into phony relationships. Will that promotion be worth all the time and struggle you buy it with? Do you really want to associate with people who would not like you if you did not put on an act?

We can continue to live in the ego’s self-centered dream of constant want, worry, toil, frustration, anger, and regret. Or we can see that we are more than the personal drama of a temporary identity, that we are not mere action figures that must have things be a particular way and then suffer when they aren’t. We can stop dreading, judging, clinging, avoiding, and blaming. We can rest in who and where we are.