The Burden of the False Self

When we act as the false self, we interpret everything according to the false self’s preconceived attitudes, beliefs, and desires. These mental notions are a heavy load, a mental backpack that we schlep around all the time. We worry that we won’t get something we want or that some calamity will befall us.  We feel frustrated when we don’t get something we desire. We feel angry or resentful toward someone who acts in a way that we don’t want them to. We regret past mistakes. We see certain things as being “bad” not necessarily because they are truly bad, but because we have developed negative attitudes toward them. We fail to enjoy the present because we’re busy calculating how we can use it to improve our future.

This is why most people are crazy and the world is so hostile and dangerous. All these fearful, negative, ignorant false selves view each other with suspicion and hostility. It’s like a play in which the characters are a bunch of loonies. The actors might be sane, but they act out a scene of insanity, and all the actors forget that they are in a play and believe that the insanity is real.

As painful as this burden is, we insist on carrying it instead of dropping it and living lightly. Why? Because we’ve invested a lot of time and effort in the false self we’ve built. We have wealth to hold onto, a reputation to uphold, ideas to maintain. The load might be painful, but we believe that it is all we have, and so we accept the worry, regret, anger and frustration as the cost of doing business, the price we have to pay for our material wealth, social status, and so forth.

Is it really impossible to acquire material things and relationships without a false self? No. It is quite possible to get a good job, find a life partner, have friends, etc while remaining who we are. They might be of lesser worldly “value” than those we could acquire via a false self, but they will probably be of higher quality, plus we will have much greater internal wealth. A cutthroat businessman might acquire more money, more expensive possessions, a bigger house, and more wealthy acquaintances, but will all that make him happy? He will toil under his burdensome false self as he schemes to “win” in business and worries about failing, and his relationships will be superficial because the false self cannot connect on a deep level. When we live via our true self, we are burden-free; we are content with less material wealth than the false self desires; and we tend to attract more genuine, less selfish acquaintances and lovers, which allows us to have deeper relationships.

The upkeep of the false self is nothing short of slavery.  It is a daily chore. Our reputation, wealth, etc are not joys but compulsions. Do we really own them, or do they own us?

The false self is so painful that it can push us to take drastic measures for relief from it. We might skydive or bungee jump because a life-and-death situation can jolt us out of selfing mode. We might drink or do drugs in order to make ourselves unconscious of the false self. We might commit suicide because a life of nothing but the false self is not worth living. The mental construct we’ve created is so hellish that we are willing to risk or sacrifice our very lives for even temporary relief. 

The energy drain of the false self can be so great that people feel exhausted all the time. A lot of them run to doctors to complain, but since there is no specific medical problem, no definitive diagnosis can be made. In order to put a label on it, doctors label this unexplainable condition chronic fatigue syndrome. (The Mayo Clinic defines chronic fatigue syndrome as “extreme fatigue that can't be explained by any underlying medical condition.”) The false self can also cause musculoskeletal pain, as well as sleep, memory, and mood issues. Again, doctors don’t know the cause, so they label this unexplainable condition “fibromyalgia”. Now sufferers can feel comforted knowing that their problem is a “known” condition and not something “serious”, such as cancer.

Sometimes we believe that we can become happier by “improving” ourselves: we join a gym, buy a new wardrobe, take a class, learn how to paint, go on a diet, or whatever. The problem is that the self we are trying to improve is the false self (the true self is perfect just the way it is and therefore cannot be improved). How can adding to the false self – the thing that’s making us miserable – make us happier? The best we can hope for in this endeavor is temporary relief via either gratifying or forgetting the ego. Seeing bigger muscles or nicer clothing in the mirror gratifies the ego. Focusing on jogging, lifting weights, painting, or studying makes us forget the ego. However, after the activity is over, we will start selfing again, and we will feel miserable when we’re not looking in the mirror or exercising or learning or painting. 

The only solution is to shed the false self completely. This means simply dropping it, not anesthetizing it away for a while, not scaring it away temporarily, not improving it, but simply dropping the destructive mental process.

Drama

There are many forms of drama, and the false self (ego) enjoys either taking part in or observing them. Why?

The ego wants to feel that it is more valuable, powerful, or fortunate than others. It cannot do this without conflict, because getting along with others means that everyone is in the same position. It has to criticize others or attract attention to itself in order to feel more valuable. It has to exert force on others in order to feel more powerful. It has to see others as unfortunate so it can feel fortunate. This is why so many people love to point out the “bad” thing a politician or celebrity did; or claim that all people of a certain race, religion, or country are “bad”; or brag; or tell woe-is-me stories; or bully others; or spread rumors; or ridicule others for their mistakes; or see news reports about starving people or earthquake victims. The misfortunes of others give the ego a false and temporary “lift”: if someone else has been lowered, then the ego is “higher” by comparison. And its own misfortunes are used to gain self-validation via others’ sympathy.

If the ego cannot find real-life drama, it will seek it in television shows. It loves to absorb itself in a juicy story of betrayal, violence, or personal pain. This provides the false self with a substitute form of drama.

The true self doesn’t want any kind of conflict because its nature is acceptance. It experiences things as they are and does not compare or compete. It is always in the moment, not thinking, but simply aware.

Consumerism

We are told repeatedly that “more is better”, so we desire more and better clothing, food, vacations, electronics, automobiles, and houses.  We then must pursue more money in order to buy all this stuff.  Since money is a limited commodity, one person can gain only when another loses.  Thus, the whole system is based on scarcity, competition, and fear.  We worry that we won’t have enough money to buy what we want, so we toil, steal, gamble, and manipulate in order to get it.

The majority of what money can buy brings only temporary enjoyment.  A gourmet meal satiates us for a few hours.  A vacation lasts a week or two.  Even our house doesn't bring ever‑present enjoyment because we’re not home all the time. 

We could be contented with so little: a small house, a functional automobile, some friends, a few knickknacks, a smattering of books, a modest wardrobe, and a warm bed.  However, our ego sees something beyond those - a large house, a luxury car, a trip to the tropics, a fashionable article of clothing - and says, “I want that!”  So we work long hours in order to “save up” to buy it.  Then, after the novelty wears off, we desire something else, and toil in order to buy that.  Thus, via consumerism, we give up continuous well-being in exchange for temporary enjoyments.  If we could stop desiring things we don't truly need, we could be contented all the time, whether we were taking a walk or at the grocery store or with friends or sitting in our living room.  Then we would not desire luxurious possessions or “peak” experiences, and the lesser material comfort would be far outweighed by more emotional comfort.

Finding Ourselves

Why do we feel the need to “find” ourselves?  Are we lost?  No!  We’re already here! But we might feel lost. Why?

We are aware of what is around us, i.e., what is not us. When we focus outward, life is interesting. It flows. This is how we were in our childhood. Eventually we became aware that we existed, i.e., self-aware (either because others said things about us or as a natural part of our development). Now when we looked outward, we had the idea that we were ignoring ourselves, i.e., we were “losing” ourselves in the process. In reality it is impossible to lose oneself, since we are the self. We can ignore it, but we can never lose it.

Being aware of our self, we started focusing on it. “What can I get out of this?” “What do they think of me?” “I feel happy/sad.” “How do I compare to him/her?” We tried to turn our self, which is a subject, into an object. This painful mental process has persisted in us for decades. We are like cameras trying to take photos of ourselves. It can’t be done, but we torture ourselves trying. Rather than simply being involved in activities and observations, we think to ourselves, “How does this affect me?” This kills our experiences. It might seem that by thinking about ourselves, we have “found” ourselves, but all we’ve “found” is thoughts about ourselves, which prevent us from being absorbed in pure experience.

All this thinking has caused us to live a lie via the false self of thought (ego). If we would stop thinking about ourselves, and just be conscious without being self-conscious, our experiences would be clear and untainted because there would be no nagging thoughts of a self interfering. This is the essence of the “no self” philosophy: it’s not that the self doesn’t exist; it’s that we should not focus on it.

The only way to find our true selves is to stop thinking. At first this might seem like an exercise in becoming unconscious because we believe that we can’t be aware without thought. We believe this because we have spent so long living in our minds, which must think in order to function. But the mind is not us - it is just a tool, like an arm or a leg. We certainly can be aware without thought. Animals and small children are. We can be aware without thought because we are awareness! Therefore we can simply choose not to think and just be in the moment. This will bring pure awareness. This is how we find ourselves. It is what brings peace and bliss.

Some people seem to be able to not think much or to not be very self-aware. We might simultaneously resent and envy them: we resent them for living such “shallow” or “unexamined” lives, and we envy them because they seem to be enjoying life more than we are. We might think, “I’m self-aware and I think deep thoughts, so I deserve to be happier than they are.” Doing more of something doesn’t necessarily produce more happiness, enjoyment, or well-being. Every activity is good to a point, after which it can become counterproductive. Too much exercise can cause injury. Too much rest can produce boredom. Too much eating can make us overweight. Too much dieting can cause us to become malnourished. Well, too much thinking about ourselves can make us torture ourselves with worry, regret and frustration, all the while missing out on life.

So we don’t need to find ourselves. We need to lose ourselves! Our false selves, that is. Then the natural bliss of being, which we experienced before we became self-aware, will return. This is not regression to toddlerhood. It is progression to a state of pure being, no longer shackled by the unreality of thought, but fully conscious of reality.

Spirituality

What is spirituality?  The act of being who we really are.  Acting from our core, the “heart”, the “soul”, the “spirit”.  In short, spirituality is simply a matter of not selfing.  It is a way of thinking, or, rather, not thinking.  When we are spiritual, we understand, forgive, and allow.  We do not judge, resent, steal, or hurt.  The true self does not want any negativity to happen to anyone.

Spirituality lies beyond the mind.  It exists not in ancient texts or mysticism or having particular religious beliefs.  It has nothing to do with wearing robes or burning incense or meditating in a cave -- those are all activities of the body and/or the mind.  Spirituality transcends body and mind.  It refers only to the real us.  It goes beyond the things we can see and touch, beyond our thoughts.  It is to be found not by praying to a Supreme Being, but by dropping the false ideas of worldly accomplishment and eternal salvation so that we may find the peace that is already within us.

Are we spirits, i.e., non-physical beings temporarily driving organic bodies?  This cannot be proved.  However, it does not matter where our true selves are concerned.  We have a peaceful, harmonious center.  That is our “spirit”, whether physical or metaphysical.

We hear people refer to “my spirit” or “my soul”.  This is a syntactical error.  “My” implies something other than us.  My car.  My house.  My money.  We don’t have a spirit; we are a spirit.

We also hear the term “spiritual journey”.  What is that?  To where can a spirit journey?  Only a body journeys.  A spirit has no location.  It does not go from here to there.  What happens in a spiritual “journey” is that we simply become more aware of both our real and our false selves.  We “journey” from ignorance to wisdom.

The Ocean

You are an ocean.  You put up waves: waves of elation, waves of sorrow, waves of courage, waves of fear, waves of youth, waves of maturity, waves of beauty, waves of ugliness, waves of strength, waves of weakness, waves of belief, waves of doubt, waves of reputation, waves of obscurity, waves of accomplishment, waves of failure.  All these waves are temporary configurations of ocean.  But they are not the ocean.  They will disappear, because they are only movements, not stable forms.  Only the ocean persists.

If you define yourself by your waves then this false self will end when the waves end, so your idea of who you are is thus always in jeopardy, always doomed, and this will cause you to live in fear of annihilation.  You might put great effort into maintaining and defending your waves - sometimes competing, sometimes bragging, sometimes complaining, sometimes arguing, sometimes shouting - but they will disappear on their own anyway, because they are nothing but waves, and you will see that all your efforts were futile because you defended nothing.

To insist that you are your waves is to deny your ocean-ness.

When you realize that you are the ocean, there will be no anxiety about the waves’ imminent demise, because you will know that you are not them.  You will become aware that you are real, vast, and persistent.

Self-Worth

Many of us feel as though we’re being judged by others or ourselves.  Are we accomplished enough?  Pretty enough?  Intelligent enough?  Strong enough?  Rich enough?  Popular enough?  Do we measure up?  Have we earned enough self-worth?

That’s the perpetual problem: self-worth.  If we are not accomplished, pretty, intelligent, strong, rich or popular enough, we feel as though we are flawed.  Wrong.  Guilty.

Self-worth is an idea born of judgment.  Assessing our or someone else’s “worth” is just our ego’s attempt to feel better about itself by inflating itself or deflating others.  When we put our ego aside, we simply enjoy life, and the idea of self-worth doesn’t even come up.

Who is to say that beauty, intelligence, physical strength, money, popularity or accomplishment make one “worth” something?  What “value” do we have in an existential sense, and how is that value increased by worldly characteristics and deeds?  What currency is used to determine one’s “value”?  Is there a cosmic dollar? 

Worth is not an inherent quality.  One simply exists; there is no “value” assigned.  Now, one might be “valuable” to society as a scientist, entertainer, soldier, etc, but that is only one’s utilitarian value to other people. 

Not only is self-worth an absurd notion, but all the things that we use to measure self-worth are temporary.  Accomplishments are from the past.  Looks fade.  Physical strength diminishes.  Wealth can be lost.  Mental faculties can deteriorate.  People’s opinions can change.  This is precisely why the “self” as most people define it is false: we endure after those things fade or disappear, so any self based on them is certainly not us.

We worry that the false self we perpetuate is not as good as the false selves that other people perpetuate.  We miss the natural calm and peace we could get by simply being, without comparing or competing.  We feel a constant need to perform, to impress, to improve, to outdo, so we can never accept who we are, the way we are, now.  And the more we try to improve the false self, the more reality we give it, that is, the more we fool ourselves into believing it’s real.