Existential Pain

When we live via our false self, we feel deep down that we are on the wrong path.  This produces a constant feeling of fear and anxiety, but we can’t pinpoint just what is causing it.  We feel an existential hole, as though we lack something, whether it be internal (self-worth, power, accomplishment, lovableness) or external (wealth, beauty, the approval of others).  We keep up a smiling façade in public because we fear that others would not understand or accept us if they knew that we were so flawed.

Our existential pain is revealed whenever something unpleasant happens.  Someone cuts us off in traffic, or we fail to accomplish a goal, or someone says an unkind word to us, or we incur an unforeseen expense.  A knee-jerk reaction of anger or frustration surfaces.  That is our pain and fear breaking through the façade.  The pain is too great for us to cover it up.  We might pretend that the pain came from the outside event, because to admit that the event merely triggered the pain that was already within us would show others how imperfect we are, and the ego will have none of that.

Let’s focus for a minute on getting cut off in traffic.  At first it might appear that the other motorist forced us to feel angry.  Well, if that were the case, then everyone who gets cut off should become angry, right?  But not everyone does.  We became angry not merely from the event, but because the event reminded us of our own feelings of powerlessness, worthlessness, and/or rejection (which caused pain), and violated our egoic belief that we are better than others so they shouldn’t get “ahead” of us (which caused frustration).  You see how our own mental processes caused the anger?

We attempt to dull our existential pain by grasping for external things such as alcohol, shopping, money, fashion, television, religion, food, sex, work, and relationships.  The best we get is temporary relief, momentary distraction, because the underlying problem of living as a false self is not solved.  In fact, it is exacerbated, because the external things we grab only make the false self bigger.

Matter vs. Spirit

This entry proposes ideas and questions but makes no assertions about whether we are matter or spirit.

All matter follows physical laws. Nuclear, electromagnetic, and gravitational forces make atomic particles behave in certain ways, and each event causes another, then another, ad infinitum, resulting in the formation of stars, galaxies, planets and life, and processes such as birth, growth, death, decay, photosynthesis, volcanoes, tides, etc. Every cosmic incident, from the explosion of a star to a light breeze, is the result of an inevitable chain of events that started a long time ago.

If we are nothing more than physical beings, then there is no such thing as free will because all matter is on an unchangeable course that was set in motion sometime in the past, and we cannot alter this course because we are part of it. Our behavior, preferences, thoughts and feelings are predetermined by a combination of our bodies (particularly our neurons) and our environment, neither of which we chose. We think and act in the one and only way possible because our neurons follow an obligatory course. We might believe that we have the ability to make free choices, but since our neurons are being “pushed” by outside forces, what we really have is unconscious determinism. There is no meaning in our “choices”, because they are not choices at all. And because we cannot choose anything freely and cannot therefore cause anything to happen differently from the way it’s destined to happen, none of us can be praised or blamed for anything. Hitler was just as good as Gandhi.

The only way we can have free will is if we are not part of the physical universe. We must be non-physical “souls” or “spirits”. Sure, we might start life in bodies, families, and neighborhoods that we did not choose, but since each of us is a “ghost in the machine”, not the machine itself, we can choose how to think and act, just as we can choose how to drive a car even if we can’t choose its color or model or what road we start at. Our freedom might be in proportion to our circumstances (someone who is intelligent and loved might be more free than someone who is mentally challenged or abused), but we still have at least some ability to choose.

The fact that our brain state largely determines our perceptions might make it appear as though we are merely physical. However, it could be that the brain is merely a “portal” into this universe, so when it gets altered (e.g., by chemicals or trauma), it is the portal that changes, while we (as non-physical spirits) do not change. Alterations to the brain might cause changes in sight, hearing, balance, pleasure, pain, hunger, nausea, fear, excitement, anger, peace, despair and love, but the conscious entity experiencing them does not.

If we are non-physical, then how is it that we are “stuck” in our present bodies? Why can’t we leap out? For that matter, how did we get behind the helm? What allows us to control our bodies? How does free will result in thoughts and movements? Where do we go after our bodies die? Do we float around in some metaphysical ether? Do we leap into other bodies? Can we exist without a body and an environment? How could we experience anything without them?

“No Self”

What is meant by the Eastern concept of “no self”? Does it mean that we do not exist? No. Of course we exist, for if we didn’t, then how could we perceive, enjoy and suffer? The “self” in this context refers to the sense of self, so “no self” means “no sense of self”.

Selfing is a mental process that creates a mental “me”. We picture ourselves as action figures that need to obtain accessories such as clothing, reputation, money, educational degrees, and so forth. We think about how things affect us. All this mental activity prevents us from fully experiencing the present moment. Instead of experiencing what is happening, we experience thoughts. Some of these thoughts create painful feelings such as desire, worry, regret, arrogance, fear, and resentment, but even those that don’t still interfere with pure experience because any thought takes at least part of our attention, thus blocking awareness of what is happening. 

When we get engrossed in something – a sport, a hobby, a sunset, a song, a hug – it becomes our entire reality. There is no thought of “I am experiencing this” or “I want to achieve thus-and-such”. There is no notion of self or time. Just pure experience. We are aware, but not self-aware. This is what is meant by “no self”. It is the blissful state of thoughtless awareness.

Thoughtless awareness cannot be experienced by trying to experience it. It is not something to achieve. Rather, it is the natural state we are in when we don’t think. Thinking requires effort; therefore it is only because we make efforts that we fail to live in thoughtless awareness. It takes no effort to be thoughtlessly aware. So we don’t need to do anything in particular -- we can simply do nothing!

What is Love?

Love is not an emotion. It is a state of being.

We might feel strong emotions toward our family members, close friends, or lovers: affection, appreciation, generosity, attraction, sympathy. We might believe that this is “love”. But what happens when they fail to fulfill our needs or otherwise disappoint us? What emotions do we experience? Anger. Resentment. Disgust. The fact that attraction can turn to aversion so quickly shows that there is no true love there, only exploitation to satisfy egoic desires. As soon as someone no longer enables us to “get” something from them, we view them as useless. So all we have for them is emotion, which is a temporary state of mind based on a temporary condition. Emotion, because it is temporary, cannot come from the true self because the true self is permanent. Emotion comes from the ego, which is temporary.

True love comes from the true self, which sees people beyond their worldly actions and what it can “get” from them. It is a permanent state of being because the true self is permanent. If someone disappoints us, we don’t automatically label them “bad” or “useless”. We understand that they merely acted or reacted according to their own fear or ignorance, just like we have done many times. They are still worthy of love because they are permanent beings, not their temporary actions. Only the true self can love because only the true self can see other true selves. All the ego can see is other egos.

We can love only being, not doing, because we can love only what is permanent. Doing is impermanent, so it cannot be loved; it can only be reacted to. If we “love” someone because they say nice things or give us gifts, then what we “love” is what they do, not who they are. What they do can change, and when it does, so do our emotions, because emotions are nothing more than reactions to events. So in many cases what we think is love is not love at all but a temporary emotion. True love does not change with events.

This doesn’t mean that we must enjoy the unpleasant things people do or go out of our way to be with them. We might end friendships and romances, or avoid certain people altogether, because it would not be fruitful to have a worldly relationship with them. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that we can’t love them. We might not have affection or attraction for them, but remember that those are just worldly reactions to their worldly actions. We can still love them, for love has nothing to do with their actions but is a state of understanding that we have for all living beings.

What about people who commit despicable acts, such as members of drug cartels, mafias, and terrorist groups? Certainly what they do is horrible, and our egos love to villainize and hate them, for that makes our egos feel morally superior. But can we honestly say that we would not do what they do if we had been born into their situation? Doesn’t it seem rather coincidental that most criminals come from situations that foster criminality? You might not do the horrible things that they do, but look at the environment you grew up in: you were steered in productive directions by your parents and teachers, and you enjoyed a lot more safety and freedom than most of humanity. Do you believe that ISIL members would have joined their group if they had been born into your family? If we look at things honestly, we can see that people’s actions do not necessarily reflect who they are, and so we can look past their unpleasant actions and love (not feel affection for, but understand) who they are.

The true self loves all. The ego is incapable of love; the best it can do is be attracted to those it can benefit from.

Fandom

A lot of people have a favorite sports team. Some go so far as to make the team part of their identity. Rather than simply enjoy watching a good game, the ego seeks to enlarge itself by latching onto a group of complete strangers in order to ride their coattails to “victory” and therefore a feeling of power and worth. This is why rabid fans feel miserable when their team loses – their egos feel diminished.

The purported reason that people associate with a particular team is usually that it “represents” the geographical area that they live or grew up in, or a school that they attend or used to attend. The real reason is that the ego is grasping for a way to feel good about itself because it cannot feel good on its own. When they root for “their” team, they are really rooting for themselves. Fans don’t personally know any of the players so they don’t care what benefits the players get from winning, nor do the fans get to share any of the money or fame. The sole benefit from having “their” team win is an ego boost.

The ego likes to affiliate with other fans of the same team, even though the basis of this relationship is merely that they sit on their backsides eating fattening food and drinking alcohol while watching other people do stuff. Cheering along with others for the same team might develop a sense of camaraderie, but a true friendship cannot be based on this alone.

If all of the players on someone’s favorite sports team were traded to other teams and replaced with new players, they would still root for this team. Why? Because it’s not about the particular players – it’s about the idea of being affiliated with a particular team. The ego cannot give up its identity as a fan of this particular team, because if it did it would be annihilated.

The choice of team is usually random. A person who grows up in Baltimore will likely become a Ravens fan. If his parents had moved to Seattle before he was born, he would have grown up there and become a Seahawks fan. This is because the ego is nothing more than an identification with something external. It clamps onto something other than the true self and says, “I am that.” The true self does not do that because it is, by definition, its own identity, so it needs no other. Therefore it does not make a particular sports team, or political idea, or religion, or skin color, or nationality, or gender, part of its identity. 

Meaning

Meaning is an idea that stems from the perceived relation of something to something else. That's all that meaning is. It is not inherent in anything, whether it be a word, an idea, a picture, an object, an event, or life itself. Something is meaningful, important, good or bad to us only because we perceive it that way, and our perception is determined by our life experiences, genetics, beliefs, attitudes, and preferences. Meaning, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. This is why different things have different meanings for different people. If meaning were inherent in something, then everyone would get the same meaning from it. But we don’t get meaning from anything – we give meaning to things.

Let’s take a cross for example. To a religious person it might have great meaning: a symbol of Christ’s dying for our sins so that we can eventually go to Heaven. To someone else it might be nothing more than two pieces of wood. The meaning that the former person sees in that cross comes from his own mind, not from the wood.

We might consider work, relationships, children, hobbies, travel, exercise, possessions, social events, etc to be meaningful, but that is merely our choice. We don’t have to do or possess any of these things. We don’t even have to live. But we choose to. This is ultimate freedom.

When we drop the false self and see that nothing in this world is inherently meaningful or necessary, we might lose interest in things that used to be important to us. Maybe we used to highly value our fine automobile or jewelry, and now consider it absurd to own them. Maybe we used to spend 3 hours each day in the gym, and now we consider it absurd to spend that much time there. Some might call this loss of interest “depression”, but only people who are still caught up in their false selves would put that label on it because they can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t find expensive possessions or body sculpting meaningful.

The false self wants its possessions and activities to be meaningful because it uses them as means to other ends or to make itself feel important. The true self can simply enjoy an activity or possession for its own sake and does not look for meaning.

If we feel depressed by thoughts of meaninglessness, it’s because of our belief that 1) we must have meaning, and/or 2) meaning is to be found outside of ourselves. Both are erroneous.

Self-created Hell

In John Milton’s poem Paradise Lost, Satan lives by the philosophy “Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.”

Satan represents our false self, which thinks itself “too good” to serve others. It wants to create and rule its own domain. It can’t create matter, but it can create ideas such as that it is its body and possessions, and that it is “better” than others. It also creates past, future, shoulds, shouldn’ts, beliefs, judgments, and all manner of imagined calamities that haunt us, preventing experience of reality.

In order to rule anything, one must be separate from it, as there is a ruler and the ruled. This creates a feeling of separation and loneliness. The false self thus lives in a lonely, unhappy place of selfishness, want, scarcity, and fear. That is, it reigns in Hell. Why do we choose this? Because it gives us a (false) sense of power and righteousness, and we choose this over happiness.

When we drop the false self, we see that we are not “too good” to serve, and in fact the concept of “too good” doesn’t even exist. We no longer feel the need to be selfish. There is no longer a sense of urgency about “getting” things. We don’t feel the need to pursue power or rule anyone or anything. We are willing to accept reality as it is rather than fabricate one, and this enables us to fully experience it. We feel more connected with others, which makes us want to serve them, and since we are at peace, we serve in Heaven.

We all manipulate matter in order to take care of bodily needs: we make and/or buy shelter, food, medicine, and transportation. The false self, because it cannot accept reality, uses these things not just for their utilitarian value, but also as a distraction from reality. For example, it is not enough to have a car – it must be a certain style or color. This is why people who live via the false self are miserable no matter how comfortable they are materially: they desire to make things be a certain way in a world that is constantly changing, so they fear losing what they have. This makes them suspicious of others, quick to anger, and unfulfilled. External comforts cannot ease inner turmoil.

The true self has no sense of ownership, so it has nothing to lose. It can be neither taken away from nor added to. It just is. Nothing can be done to it, so it has nothing to fear. Our bodies and possessions can be damaged or stolen, but the less we live via the false self, the less distressful losing them is.