Never Enough

The vast majority of us are afflicted with an almost constant sense of lack. We never feel that we have enough money, possessions, time, beauty, social acceptance, love, etc. Why?

The sense of lack is a direct cause of feeling inadequate. When we feel that we aren’t enough, we attempt to compensate by acquiring. But what causes us to feel inadequate?

During our young, impressionable years we were criticized, ridiculed, rejected, and/or punished. Parents, schoolmates, and/or teachers told us, via words or actions, that we were not worthy of love just the way we were. That hurt deeply.

In self-defense, we created another self -- a false persona (ego) -- in which we acted or appeared different from the way we truly were in an attempt to be more acceptable to others. We each developed our own particular brand of ego (the athlete, the know-it-all, the seductress, the comedian, the hoodlum, the soldier, the victim, the goth) and used that as a way of impressing others (or ourselves).

We put up this façade for years or decades, and while we might have gained some people’s “acceptance”, all they accepted was our fabricated, phony self; they didn’t accept the true us because they didn’t even know us. Deep down we knew this, and so we held onto the (erroneous) belief that we were unworthy of love. As a result, our need to “prove” our worth never diminished. No matter how many times we impressed others with our accomplishments or appearance (i.e., our ego), we never believed we (our true self that we kept hidden) had worth, so we had to “prove” it again and again and again using guile and deception. We lived in constant fear of anyone finding out how worthless we “really” were, of being exposed as the frauds that we were.

And so here we are. We have an almost constant, nagging sense of inadequacy. Since we can’t become more, we attempt to compensate by acquiring more. This need to acquire is constant because our sense of inadequacy is constant. This is precisely why we never feel that we have enough: enough money, enough time, enough love. It is not these things that we need; what we need is a feeling of self-worth.

The sense of inadequacy is a major source of fear, anger, and conflict. The need to feel adequate is so great that we deceive, belittle, rob, and even commit violence against one another in an attempt to feel better about ourselves.

As long as we feel this deep sense of inadequacy, we will continue to maintain our ego as a protective mechanism. We cannot shed our ego by merely deciding to do so, because the sense of inadequacy will fuel it. What we need to shed is the idea that we have no inherent worth; once we do that, our ego will disappear on its own. When we know and accept our true self, we will no longer feel the need to gain others’ acceptance or delude ourselves that we’re better than they are. Judgment, conflict and drama will all but disappear because the ego is their main cause.

How do we stop feeling worthless? By looking back on the ignorance it took for others to devalue us. Perhaps they didn’t like something we said or did. Did that make us worthless? Of course not. Their dislike of our words or actions was merely their opinion. If they verbally or physically attacked us, did that make us worthless? No. They were acting from their own sense of inadequacy, trying to make themselves feel better by putting us down. Even if we did something selfish, we were only acting from our current state of development; we have learned and grown since then, so we are no longer like that and hence it would be foolish to keep beating ourselves up over it.

The erroneous belief in our inadequacy has persisted way too long. It started when we were young children, and to keep it going is one of the hugest mistakes we can possibly make. It is time to move on.

Right Brain Left Brain

The left side of the brain is very good at focusing on one thing at a time. It sees reality as a collection of little bits, and can analyze those bits quite well using logic and reason. It can distinguish individual notes in a song or individual beams in a structure. It is what enables us to excel at mathematics, engineering, physics, mechanics, chemistry, and so forth. It helped our ancestors stalk prey and build dwellings.

The right side of the brain is the master controller that directs us, not by logic or reason, but by feeling (intuition). It is not good at technical matters, but it tells us where and when to apply our technical skills. It hears a song or sees a structure as a single, continuous entity. It helped our ancestors be aware of their surroundings so that while they were stalking prey they didn’t themselves become prey.

The right brain directs our lives, and the left brain handles all the logistics. The right brain says, “It would be nice to vacation in Bermuda.” The left brain says, “I have two weeks of leave to burn, and I have nothing planned January 21-29, so I’ll fly out there on the 21^st and return on the 29^th. I’ll book a hotel for the nights of the 21^st to the 28^th. I’ll arrange some time on the beach, a snorkeling excursion, and some parasailing.”

In school we are taught how to use our left brains. We learn math, science, social studies, language, etc. This helps us later on as we perform various tasks at our jobs, balance our checkbooks, run errands, and fix things around the house. Our right brains get little attention so they remain largely underdeveloped. As a result we often make mistakes in deciding how to direct our lives, for example, who to become romantically involved with or which investments to make.

The left brain sees a dual world of distinct, separate entities: people, animals, objects, mountains, oceans, units of distance, and blocks of time. The right brain takes the overview, seeing everything as a unified whole – a nondual world. Which way we view things at any particular time depends on whether our right or left brain is more active. Sometimes we see a lonely, harsh world in which we are separate from everything and everyone else; and other times we feel as though we belong here because we are one with everything and everyone.

Many of us favor one side of our brain over the other, and we see the effects all the time: the engineer who can’t pick up on human nuances, the artist who can’t balance a checkbook, the man with a great career but awkward social skills, the woman who can simultaneously manage household chores and children but can’t do math, the goal-oriented businessman, the romantic poet. Thus we have strengths in some areas and weaknesses in others.

Both brain hemispheres are important for being able to function in life, so if we find ourselves decidedly in favor of one, it might behoove us to practice using the other. The left brain can be exercised via puzzles and math problems. The right brain can be exercised by doing what we “feel” like doing and not allowing thoughts to take over.

Why Love is Frightening

Why is love so frightening?  Because love requires death of the ego.

What most people think of as “love” is nothing more than ego gratification. Someone does something that someone approves of, so he “loves” her. What he “loves” is the fact that something was done that his ego wanted, not the sentient being who did it, because as soon as she does something he doesn’t approve of, his “love” will turn to anger, resentment, or hate. True love cannot do this.

True love endures through all, even when the doer commits undesired deeds, because true love loves the doer, not deeds.

As long as the ego is in control, no understanding or love is possible. Therefore love requires the ego to die.

Ego-death is a frightening experience. The ego is a shield that we have carried for most of our life in an attempt to protect us from hurt. There is nothing more frightening than putting it down, because doing so leaves us totally naked and vulnerable.

So, in order to truly love, we must stand in total nakedness and vulnerability. As long as we “protect” ourselves with our ego, we will be unable to love. We will continue to judge others, wanting them to jump through hoops, deluding ourselves that we “love” them when they do, and feeling pain and resentment when they don’t. All relationships – whether intimate, familial, or friendly – will be rollercoasters of desire, judgment, expectation, and disappointment.

What's Missing?

We all experience that vague, nagging sense of lack. It’s the feeling that something is missing, though we don’t know what that something is. So we try to fill the void with accomplishments, lovers, possessions, alcohol, religion, food, volunteer work, or what have you. They might bring temporary satisfaction, but ultimately the emptiness returns. So, what is it that we are really missing?

Beingness. The quiet, ineffable state of simply being. We’ve all experienced it, while either engrossed in an activity or relaxing with no thoughts. At these times nothing else is necessary; we are whole, satisfied, and blissful.

But we often lose our beingness. We get hurt or distracted by people or things. We react with anger, fear, desire, or resentment. We no longer feel content to just be; now we feel the need to attain something, whether it be an experience, a possession, an accomplishment, praise, or love. We are in a state of lack, of not-enough. Even if we do attain our goal, the satisfaction won’t last for very long because the thought that we are not-enough remains. No matter how much we attain, we cannot be satisfied because what we need is not external acquisitions but the feeling of completeness. This can be experienced only as being, not as having.

Why is it possible to lose our beingness?  Because it is constantly with us. We get so used to it that we lose awareness of it. It’s just like breathing: since we do it constantly, we are not aware of it. Our beingness is thus unconscious, so we live unconsciously. Unconsciousness is what allows us to be distracted and reactive. With no sense of beingness, we feel like nothing, and so we look outside ourselves for a sense of fulfillment, of being alive.

How can we remain aware of our beingness?  By dropping our ego. The ego is what causes us to compare ourselves to others, worry about our future, regret our past, think of ways to manipulate things for our own benefit, resent or criticize others, and inflate ourselves with self-importance. These thought patterns take us out of being and thrust us into the stressful world of mental constructs. These constructs cause fear and anger because we are afraid that they will be shown to be false (which they are). Without the ego’s shenanigans, we can simply be.

Worldly Stuff

Getting distracted by the world is a big factor in losing our true selves. We desire and chase everything from possessions to money to relationships to fame to accomplishments. We then become addicted to getting them, and feel hurt or empty when we don’t get them. The more addicted we become, the weaker we are. We might complain that “life is not going my way”.  We are reduced to whining crybabies who can’t stand to be without instant gratification. Something as simple as a scratch on our car, or not owning the latest technology, can rattle us. Meanwhile there are people all over the world living without electricity or water or transportation. They are more in touch with their true selves and hence more at peace.

Consumerism is rampant. People rush to buy things they don’t need in order to feed their inner emptiness. Soon after getting a possession, the emptiness returns, so they buy something else. The same is done with food, alcohol, and drugs (including legal ones such as antidepressants and mood stabilizers). The hunger will never go away as long as the true self remains abandoned.

As long as we anesthetize our inner emptiness with worldly stuff, it will persist. We need to stop gaining the world while losing our soul. It is time to cease this frantic activity and get in touch with who we are. This is the only way to inner peace. When we start to get in touch with who we are, we will find that our desire for externals will diminish.

Whenever you go through any kind of suffering, remember that suffering is not an obstacle along your journey; your suffering is part of your journey. There is no growth when you get everything you want and never suffer. It feels good for the time being, but it leaves you spiritually small and weak. It keeps you addicted to everything going your way, and you then suffer when even the slightest thing happens differently from the way you want it to. That suffering is your wake-up call. That is why it is part of your journey.

The Big Lie

Why is there so much dishonesty in the world?  Because the ego, which almost everyone carries, is nothing more than a mental construct, and since it is not real, we have to constantly lie in order to keep it up.

We erroneously believe that we are male or female or black or white or American or Iraqi, when in fact we are nothing more than the conscious entity that has temporarily adopted these attributes. We could have been born a different gender or color or in a different part of the world. Would we then be a different entity? Of course not – we would be exactly the same being, only with different temporary attributes.

The ego is a show we put on for ourselves and/or others.  We pretend to be stronger or smarter than we are, we compete against others for recognition, we feel proud about our accomplishments or heritage, and we fear losing or not getting temporary possessions and accolades.  It is all an act, and because it is only an act, it is a lie.  Thus as long as we maintain our ego, we lie.  We feel that we have to lie, because if we don’t, the ego cannot exist.

All the drama in the world is based on lies. People claim that they are “better” than others of a different skin color or nationality. They defend a crooked politician if he is a member of their own political party. They claim that the random religion they were brought up with just so happens to be the one and only correct one. They hoard possessions as though material goods somehow add to who they are. They hate or kill others simply because they have a different belief system. It all boils down to one thing: the ego lying in order to preserve itself.

When we are honest we see quite clearly that underneath all the worldly stuff, we are all the same. We all want love, acceptance, peace, and material comfort. None of us want to be hated, persecuted, cold or hungry. The time and place we were born, our physical bodies, and the belief systems we have been taught are nothing more than arbitrary, temporary situations. Each being has a different permutation of these external things, but they do not change who we really are, just as putting on a suit or a dress doesn’t make us a different being from the one we are when we wear a T‑shirt and jeans.

The ego is the biggest lie ever told. It’s the one that claims that our temporary externals define us, that they make us different from the conscious entities we are beneath, and that they make others “wrong” or “inferior”. This is such an enormous, absurd fabrication that one might think that no one would ever fall for it. So why do we? Because the physical world is very easy to see, hear and touch. It is tangible and noticeable. We can easily see all the different skin colors and hear all the different beliefs people talk about. Our consciousness, on the other hand, cannot be seen directly, because it is not a physical thing. We can look outward and see what is not us, but we cannot see us. We can see our bodies, clothing and possessions, but we cannot see our true selves. This is why we cannot find ourselves; we can only find out what we are not.

To strip away our externals is frightening to the ego, because it believes that our externals are all we are, so if we were to get rid of them, we would disappear. Also, since the ego is a thought/belief system, it needs a sense of certainty because its tenuous identity depends on an unchanging belief structure. If its belief that its nationality, skin color, religion, political belief, social status, and financial situation define it (and perhaps make it “better” than others with different attributes) turns out not to be true, then the ego that is based on that belief will vanish. It will thus stop at nothing to keep up the façade, because it is fighting for its very existence. This is why people argue, lie, steal, and kill.

This thought system keeps us from fully enjoying life. Remember how wonderful it was to play with toys and run in a meadow when you were a child? What happened to us? We developed thought systems, and we use them as an interface between us and the world. Rather than experiencing things directly, we run everything we perceive though our thought filter. A beautiful meadow is no longer directly perceived and enjoyed. Now we think, “This is beautiful.” “I want to keep enjoying this.” “I don’t do this often enough.” “Where else can I go to get this kind of beauty?” “I can’t stay long because I need to run some errands.” If we could only cease all this thinking, we could see reality a lot more clearly and have more poignant experiences.

This does not mean that we should never think again. We need to work, run errands, balance our checkbook, and maintain relationships. But we can use our power of thought wisely. Is it wise to use it to create negativity, drama, fear, resentment, anger, and violence?

When we simply perceive, without distracting ourselves with thoughts, life becomes simpler, less stressful, more relaxing, and more enjoyable. The one thing that stands in the way of peace and happiness is our ego.

Consciousness versus Form

Most of our suffering comes from our belief that we are limited, weak, needy, separate little bodies and minds. These bodies can be injured or killed. These minds suffer when certain calamities occur, or needs or desires are not met. Life is a constant effort to juggle a lot of balls in the air. If we drop just one, we feel that things just aren’t “right”. We are thus always vulnerable to suffering. Even when things are going well for the time being, we worry that things won’t go so well in the future, so we make ourselves suffer even when there is nothing in the present moment to cause suffering.

Anything we perceive can’t be us. The perceiver and the perceived cannot be the same. Therefore we are not our bodies, nationalities, beliefs, possessions, etc, since we perceive them. Because they are temporary and subject to change, our belief that we are them, or at least that our existence depends on them, is what causes our constant sense of threat and fear.

The things of this world, including our bodies, are forms. We, on the other hand, are formless. We are consciousness itself. Forms come and go. We perceive them, and then they are gone. But we remain. We are the ultimate reality. Any form that we might assume or experience is just that – a form. It is not us.  

We are not our mind. The mind thinks, feels, and senses. We experience our mind via these thoughts, feelings, and sensations, and this might fool us into believing that we are the mind, but, as noted before, the perceiver and the perceived cannot be the same. The mind, like the body, is something we have, not something we are.

The mind exists in order to experience forms. The great consciousness that we are is way beyond forms. Since forms are small and limited, we need a small and limited perception in order to experience them. Our mind is that small and limited perception.

We might sometimes feel a sense of futility, meaninglessness, or dread. These occur because when we use our mind, we stuff our vast consciousness into it. We use something that is not the true self to think, feel, and perceive, and it is unsatisfying because our true self feels ignored or imprisoned. As long as we use our small mind to focus on the small forms around us, we will remain unaware or neglectful of our true self. And since the mind can perceive only forms, any effort by the mind to find the true self or ultimate awareness will always fail.

The only way to be fully aware and peaceful is to put the mind and body aside, because as long as we cling to the temporary and vulnerable forms around us, we will limit our awareness to those particular things, and there will always be agitation from loss and the threat of loss. Focusing on and using the mind and body require effort, and they direct our focus away from who we really are. The true self is effortless and it is always aware of the nature of its being. Therefore the only way to experience our true self is to stop struggling. The mind cannot understand this because its very nature is to struggle via thinking, planning, worrying, and resisting. This is precisely what makes us suffer every day. Only by turning away from the mind, body, and all other forms, will we find the bliss of pure consciousness.