Goal Orientation

The way we have all come to view life is as a temporal thing with discrete objects that we must pursue. We are thus very goal-oriented; we pursue things in a game of cause and effect, either succeed or fail, and feel elation or frustration depending on the outcome.

Goal orientation is a guaranteed formula for perpetual dissatisfaction. Until a goal is achieved, there is the nagging feeling that we are not where we want to be. Even if we manage to achieve our goal, there is only temporary gratification; it soon wears off because goal orientation makes us dependent upon achieving goals, so we cannot live the rest of our life satisfied with a single victory. We then need to set a new goal, which starts the cycle of dissatisfaction over.

Beyond this game is the Eternal: the uncaused, that which is always present, with no need to pursue or attain anything. It is our true self. Becoming aware of this, which is an essential part of enlightenment, is something that cannot be attained via pursuit, for any form of pursuit is goal-oriented behavior, which is part of the temporal, cause‑and‑effect way of being, which is, by definition, not enlightenment.

So, how do we become enlightened or realize our true self? By ceasing the cycle of desire, pursuit, success/failure, and emotional reactions. We do not cease this by trying to cease it (for that is pursuit), but by seeing that the idea that we must achieve certain goals in order to be valuable beings is absurd. We are not compelled to desire or do anything, and so we can not-desire and not-do. This is how we find ourselves and stop torturing ourselves with desire, worry, and frustration.

Easier said than done. Someone who is poor and/or homeless is compelled to obtain food and shelter (by working, begging, or stealing). Someone who is being attacked is compelled to fight or flee. How can they not desire?

These extreme situations involve need, not desire. There is a big difference. When there is an urgent need, we are sort of taken along for a ride as we act from deep within ourselves, pushed by our need, without necessarily thinking or worrying. Desire comes not from urgent need but from a thought process in which we seek to expand ourselves by achieving goals. This can be painful. Not that unmet needs aren’t painful, but they are painful in a different way. Unmet needs cause physical sensations such as cold, hunger, and injury, which are usually beyond our control. Unmet desires cause emotional sensations such as worry and frustration, which are self-inflicted.

So, in the absence of need, we (i.e., our egos) create desire for things that we do not need (goals), and this is the source of most of our suffering. Thus the false self keeps us from finding our true self. We believe that we need certain externals, identify with them, regret or worry about their loss, and all the while completely ignore who we really are. We enslave ourselves to a mental fabrication and live in a constant state of compulsion.

The true self does not need to set goals and then achieve them in order to feel that it has worth. If there is nothing it specifically needs, it can enjoy simply being. If there is something it believes is worthwhile pursuing, it moves toward it and enjoys doing so, and does not limit its idea of success to achieving a specific milestone. For example, let’s say our body becomes overweight. If we live via our ego, we will set a goal of losing, say, 30 pounds, make our sense of satisfaction dependent upon that specific goal, and feel unsatisfied until we reach it, which could be six months, a year, or the rest of our life. Our true self, instead of focusing on a specific number of pounds to lose, will focus only on eating right and exercising. This enables us to feel good every day about our healthful diet, our training in the gym, and how much better our body feels and looks, regardless of how much weight we’ve actually lost. That is success.

Emotional Reactivity

We know that we need to stop thinking too much in order to find peace. But thinking is not the only thing that needs to stop. We also need to stop emoting. That is, we need to stop torturing ourselves with negative emotional reactions. Emotional reactivity causes 99% of our suffering. In fact, the only reason that thinking makes us suffer is that we react negatively to it.

There is unconscious suffering and there is conscious suffering. Most of our suffering is unconscious. What happens is that something unpleasant happens: an item breaks, someone says an unkind word, a traffic jam occurs. We then have an egoic knee-jerk reaction of anger, frustration, irritation, or disappointment. We abhor the situation and insist on feeling bad until the situation ends. We make ourselves voluntary prisoners of this external circumstance. We let something that is beyond our control hold our sense of well-being hostage. We thus refuse responsibility for our mental state by remaining asleep in the nightmare of reactivity while blaming external events and people for “making us suffer”.

Conscious suffering involves choosing not to wallow in negativity. The fact that an unpleasant event occurred does not obligate us to create pain via an emotional reaction. If there is emotional pain, we choose to consciously contemplate why we are hurting; and not exacerbate matters by blaming, criticizing, resenting, or claiming to be a victim. We at least attempt to use our suffering in order to learn about ourselves and grow. For example, if we let something as trivial as an unkind word or traffic jam get the better of us, we can acknowledge that our ego is throwing a tantrum because the world is not exactly the way it wants it to be, and that we therefore need to stop feeding our ego.

When we emotionally react to everything that happens, we leave our sense of well-being at the mercy of outside events. Pleasant events might happen, causing positive reactions, but things don’t stay pleasant for very long. Everything is in flux, so we are guaranteed that unpleasant events will occur. Lasting well-being can come only from a lasting source. That lasting source is the true self.

Self-ignorance

The mental prison of fear, anxiety, and regret that we lock ourselves up in is the effect of not knowing who we really are. Without awareness of our true self we look to externals for self-definition. We strive for, cling to, and fear losing wealth, looks, reputation, beliefs, and possessions because we believe that they are us, and that without them we would be worthless or even cease to exist.

This condition is one of perpetual maintenance and problems. We never reach a state where everything is all right. There is always something amiss. It is not the external condition that is amiss – it’s our state of mind that is amiss. We strive for perfection because in our lost state we believe that anything less than perfection is a sign of worthlessness. Let’s say we perceive that we don’t have enough money. Then we gain a lot of money. Will we live happily ever after? Nope. Now we’ll believe that our physical appearance isn’t quite right. Then we fix our appearance. Will we feel at peace? Of course not. Now it will seem that we don’t have enough friends. And so it goes, ad infinitum. The inner sense of lack is the only problem; it uses externals as anchors to give itself form.

We fret about our life situation because we believe that it is all we are and will ever be, so any threat to it is perceived as a threat to our very self. This is why we become upset, argue, and maybe even physically fight when something threatens our wealth or reputation: we believe that we are defending our very existence. The world is a threatening place when our sense of self depends on our life situation being “just right”.

The solution is to see through the veil of illusion that we live in. We need to look past our life situation and see who we really are: a conscious being that needs no external definition. That is the only way to have peace and well-being. Once we do that, the need for externals goes away. 

We are not incomplete entities that need to be added to. We are complete just as we are. Therefore external objects, relationships, and activities cannot “complete” us, because you can’t complete what’s already complete. Not only don’t we need to acquire stuff, we need to get rid of stuff (thought) in order to fully experience our natural peace and happiness.

Relationships

One thing that most of us want is connection with other sentient beings. These can be friends, acquaintances, lovers, teachers, family, or pets.

Many “relationships” are maintained strictly for worldly gain. Business contacts, partners in crime, and members of the same political party associate with each other in order to gain money and/or power. Some “friends” merely use each other to gain or maintain social status. Some intimate partners use each other for wealth, sex, or security. These are arrangements of convenience wherein people view others as vehicles via which to obtain something, to get rather than give, to stagnate rather than grow. Since false selves are involved, these relationships cannot be anything but false.

True relationships are based on spiritual connection. They involve giving without trying to get, and wanting nothing from someone other than their company. What makes these relationships true is that true selves relate to each other.

We have all been part of false relationships. We’ve associated with acquaintances and dated people that we didn’t care much about and/or who didn’t care much about us. As we go through the trial-and-error process that this life entails, we learn about ourselves and others, and use what we learn to develop deeper relationships. We might leave a trail of temporary contacts in our wake, but if we’re lucky, we find a modest number of lifelong loved ones.

Sometimes we discover that people we believed cared about us really don’t. Maybe they borrow money that they don’t pay back, or seem to never be there to help us in our time of need, or make no attempt to get together with us socially except for parties where lots of other people are invited. Many people ignore these red flags because they don't want to entertain the painful idea that their “friends” aren’t true friends. But it is much better for growth and ultimate peace to realize who our true friends are and to weed out the deadwood than it is to keep associating with people who don’t appreciate us.

Even family members can disappoint us. Just because someone is a blood relative, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they will love, appreciate, or respect us. Remember, we cannot choose our relatives. They are just as random as people we meet on the street. Most people, related to us or not, live via a false self, which causes them to judge, use, and battle us. We need to find out by people’s actions just what kind of relationship we have with them, and not let blood relatedness exempt them from this test.

The only good relationships are those in which true selves relate to each other. Thus, two or three true friends are much better than a hundred acquaintances because only the former will share their true selves with us.

We Are Fine Just the Way We Are

We are often judged by our physical appearance, intelligence, athleticism, career, interestingness, popularity, and accomplishments. And we do – or have done – the same to others. As a result we feel that we have to jump through hoops in order to be “worth” something, to be accepted by ourselves or others. We accomplish things so we can say, “See? Now you have to like me, because I meet your arbitrary standards.” And guess what. Those people who “like” us only because we perform certain feats or look a particular way are not our real friends. To them we are just a form of entertainment. They don’t really like us because they don’t even know us – all they know is what we’ve accomplished or what our physical shell looks like.

Kids made fun of us in school, and we might hope that they would grow out of it, but some people don’t. Many of us criticize, ridicule, and reject others based on our own judgments of them. Why? Because we fear that we are flawed or worthless, and in our twisted world we believe that if we can look down on others, it will make us look better by comparison. “Well, I might be unaccomplished/poor/unattractive/boring/unpopular, but look at how much worse that other person is.” Only someone with low self-esteem feels the need to judge others.  We’ve all done it.

If we believe that we are nothing more than tiny, limited, needy beings trying to survive in a hostile universe, then that sets a very negative, fearful tone. Until we find and accept our real selves, our sense of well-being will be at the mercy of worldly events, and therefore always in jeopardy. This is what causes the nagging fear that we live with. 

We were not created in order to live fearful, miserable lives and then die, because what would be the point? If we feel as though we’re under constant threat, and our life is just an unpleasant series of obligations that we perform in order to “make ends meet” or appease others, then we are choosing slavery.

“But if I don’t make ends meet or impress others, I’ll get sick or hungry, or not be popular,” we think. Maybe. But we already get sick or hungry on occasion, and not everyone likes us, despite our work and social efforts, so why stress and strain? Plus, experiences such as illness, hunger, and social rejection are just that: experiences, not the totality of who we are. Do not confuse experience with being. We can feel great with limited material comforts and social contacts. Plenty of people live happy, peaceful lives without grocery stores, medicine, tons of friends, shopping malls, cell phones, fancy clothing, electricity or plumbing. Well-being comes more from our thoughts and beliefs than from our living situation.

So, to end the cycle of fear, powerlessness, worthlessness, obligation, and striving for approval, we need to stop subscribing to the collective belief system that we must “perform”. We are fine just the way we are. If someone will like us only if they get a particular performance out of us, then we must end that toxic relationship; quality of friends and lovers is much better than quantity. If we hate our job but do it because it pays the bills, we should get another one that we enjoy more, even if it means a pay cut; peace of mind is much better than a big house. If we don’t look like those ad models, then we must stop comparing ourselves to genetic freaks; our genes cannot change, so why beat ourselves up over it? Peace and well-being are always available, right here, right now. All we need in order to get them is to realize and accept who we really are.